Healing after a narcissistic relationship
Healing after a toxic/narcissistic relationship ends is HARD. It is a choice & it takes effort to commit to ourselves, to take back authority over our mind, opinions, beliefs and most of all, our value and worth.
It takes many moon cycles to bring heart coherance, will coherance, womb coherance and mind coherence back online. You’ve just experienced extreme confusion and there’s a good chance you’re scrambled with cognitive dissonance and brain fog.
I’m here to remind you that it’s temporary. You can and you will heal starting with acknowledging your experience. I hope the words in this post are calm for your wounds. That it feels like your sitting down and having a cuppa with a friend who also recognises unhealthy relationships has been through it, found the courage to say no to it and then over time risen out the sea of emotional turbulence into the calm ocean of a balanced life.
Before we get into the real nitty gritty I think it’s important to flag that the term ‘narcissism’ is an actual personality disorder. The term is being highly overused at the moment, which indicates that there are a lot hurting people who are playing out some extremely toxic behaviour when the rubber hits the road and things get real in relationships.
Just to be clear, in this post I am talking about narcissistic TRAITS and toxic relating/reactive behavioural patterns that can play out when we are in an unhealthy dynamic with another individual. The goal here is to acknowledge that you have said NO for a very good reason. I hope that by identifying the patterns in this post it brings ease to some of the confusion and pain you may be experiencing. I hope these words acknowledge your experience and make the others actions less about you and more about the behaviours you are bravely saying no to. This way you can turn within and do the big work on yourself, changing the patterns that keep looping you back into old cycles and reprogramming your world so you can wake up inside of the life you dream of, that you are choosing with this step you are taking today, to educate and say yes to yourself over anothers illness or confusion.
When we are healing from dysfunction it's important to recognise that people with personality disorders have a serious condition, their brain works differently and they need professional help. We are not here to dish out the same hate and shame they dish out when in an uncontrollable rage. Their behaviour is unacceptable, their heart is held in care. There are many many reasons for dysfunctional/toxic relationship patterns between people. Some of our nearest and dearest may be struggling with neurospiceyness which can also have a drop down menu of reactive and toxic behavioural patterns. Even those of us who identify as empaths and hypersensitives can fall into unhealthy patterns of reactivity and lqck of emotional regulation. Addictions, food and environmental toxins, so many factors can trigger people into unhealthy and dysfunctional coping mechanisms within relationships. Many want to do better, but simply don’t have the awareness or the tools to do better, to educate themselves and to communicate in ways that are healthy rather than unhealthy.
A person with a personality disorder has no true sense of self. This is why they are co dependant and cannot be without a partner, their chosen person, often referred to as their 'supply'. I’m not saying all co dependancy comes from personality disorders, I’m saying people with personality disorders have no sense of self without another. Because of their factured or damaged sense of self they study the person they believe they love and follow a strategy to get their needs met.
The strategy is tried and true and its literally ‘rince and repeat’ with each person they engage with. Until they wake up and get help. It isnt going to magically change with the next (more compatible) person, this is a story they tell themselves to belittle, discard and undermine the others value and worth.
The pattern:
By indentifying the pattern we can see it for what it is and recognise where we are at on the wheel of abuse.
◇ Love bombing
◇ Future fake and dream weave 'your my one'
◇ Pulling on your empathy and sharing their life story. Your the on ethat they trust, their confidante, their listening ear, its so healing to have someone who finally believes in them. Victim stories about their past partners and how much they broke them. Victim stories about their financial ruin and why they need a team player to build the future with. Victim stories regarding primary care giver and family trauma (which often is the core injury they received at 18 months old that fractured their sense of self) Ask yourself if they are in therapy taking responsibility for this, or are they projecting their wounding and leaving a trail of damage behind them?
◇ The wheels start falling off the bus when you have needs. Perhaps you've spoken up about the way you would like to be treated? Or you would like some more time with them (often they are busy winning the approval and admiration of strangers and ignoring their family). Maybe it’s requesting that they don’t speak to you in a certain way because you value heart felt softness when bringing up the hard stuff. Our requests for our needs and desires (aka boundaries) are often taken personally, no matter how much kindness and grace is put into bringing up the hard conversation they feel attacked. This is because of the fractured sense of self reacting and raging out.
◇ Communication drama::
• gaslighting (denial of what has been spoken and agreed upon)
• blameshifting (if you didnt ask for your needs this wouldnt be happening, sometimes it will be honing in on the way you said it)
• scapegoating (it's their trauma making them react, it wasn't them it was something that happened in 1488)
• threatening to leave or publically shame.
◇ Discard phase. When the relationship inevitably ends we enter the very painful phase of discard. This happens because they feel exposed, they know their strategies are not working, you have clued on to the drop down menu of toxic relating patterns and unfortunately you are no longer of value to them. The projection they have of you and how you fit into their world/dream is no longer of value, you had a role to play and your no longer playing it. This is the stage where many anxious avoidants and anxious attachment injuries get triggered and the cycle begins again. Until we choose to stand in our Yes to ourselves and No to being used and treated badly. It hurts! The truth is we have been used. We allowed ourselves to be a player in anothers fantasy and did their bidding, we consented. This is where we put on our big girl/boy pants and we soothe the child within who needs to know they are loved, and we are not abandoning them for love. This is where we do the BIG work of healing our attachment injuries, taking stock of our belief matrix, pull in our support team and we fucking level UPPPP!
Comprehend this, really take it in: When we stand strong and refuse to play into the communication drama, the individual with the dysfunctional pattern in tact will often respond with blind uncontrollable rage. This is because the strategy isn't working. We have outgrown the drama cycle and as soon as they realise their strategies won’t work they take action of the back up plan they’ve been grooming in the background all along. They have already found others to drag into the delusions of grandure or the pity party. They then rince and repeat falling in love with the next person, obsessing and eventually discarding.
It can take years and years to rewire our brains after this kind of manipulation so if you are on the merry go round of constant breakup - discard - stonewall - hoover - love bomb - future fake (with stories about how much they have realised they need to work on and change and oh yeah, therapy, they are all of a sudden going to therapy). Most people end up leaving because things get so extreme that they cannot take it anymore. We end up having to put our life jacket on, we say no to them because we are saying yes to ourselves. And that’s a good thing. It takes enormous effort to break the emotional addictions that have been created within the toxic dynamic. The void is enormous. Its fucking hard. But you can do this!
When we leave there is a loss of self for both parties. They have a loss of self and are filled with terror that they will be publicly exposed for their behaviour. At this stage they bring in their back up team, aka 'flying monkeys' to stand by them & they publicly shame gossip and lie about you making YOU out to be the villian. Their victim story and lies are convincing and here begins the smeer campaign, making YOU wrong for choosing something healthier. All the while raging out with threats and accusations about things you have done to them (when in reality they are pointing the finger 👉 at you because they have no sense of self)
Once they have done all of this and there is no turning back they will flip the bird, hook up and play the game all over again.
It is soooooo confusing and it takes time for us to truly own our choice to say no.
Often it feels we have been abandoned/disgarded but beautiful soul, you have not been discarded, you have been courageous. Someone reacting to you asking for the way you would like to be treated is not your burnden to carry. Healthy relating is hearing the other person when they let you know what they need. It’s taking the time to come back to them, responding with clarity about wether we can meet them in their spoken needs or not. Learning how to do things better takes skill and focus, it doesn’t just fall off a tree. No doubt the worst of you came out in this relationship and you are having a gag reflex when you reflect back. That’s good, this is the turning point, its time for education, healing, radical self responsibility, taking stock of your choices and choosing something else.
You have wised up to the ways that unhealthy people behave. Passive aggression/with holding and finger pointing are included in this. btw.
We are all learning how to relate better. Learning how to truly communicate in a way that is inclusive of hearing the other. If we are in a battle to be herd blaming the other for not listening there’s a good chance we are also not hearing the other. Often we are too busy holding onto some strong points of view, or judgements about the others choices, needs and desires. We can begin to break these patterns when we come into relating with a will to comprehend the others heart. When we have been in abusive manipulative and toxic patters for a long time we desperately need the time to comprehend our own hearts, to nurture our own needs, to calm our nervous system and recalibrate. When we know what we stand for we are then able to come to relations with clarity, letting others know where we can and are willing to meet them or not.
By default we have been raised in a society that is codependent and survival driven. This post is not to shame anyone for what they didn't know they were doing. This post is to encourage you that you woke up inside of something very painful for both parties and you made a choice. You said yes to you.
Tend to your wounds, take the time you need, but please change the story. You are not being rejected. They are moving on because you stood up for you. You chose this because your baddass, because you stood in your power, had your own back and you chose to say no to something that felt wrong in your gut. Thats why you’re not their chosen supply anymore, because they can't play their game with you.
You’re not broken, you’re healing. You’re not a problem to solve, Your a mystery to behold.
You will heal. Keep going.
Facing our Shadows & Redefining Relationships
When Venus is transiting through the constellation of Scorpio her expression is intense and intimate. Go deep or go home is her motto!! This is the time in venus’s 18-month journey through the cosmos that we claim our sexual sovereignty, sensuality, our depth, our shadows, our inherited beliefs around relationships, where we look at the things that you would prefer to hide from the public eye, from our beloved or potential partners. Karmic and ancestral relationship patterning comes to the light of our awareness so we can uplevel & love the shit out of ourselves and others on a whole new level!
Shadow work is key with Venus in scorp. Emotional Intelligence is feeling the feelings that come up, without deeming them as right or wrong, good or bad. They are just energy in motion, a response to a perception or an external influence. This is where we step into psychic sovereignty on a whole new level. Where we are the ones driving the ship, rather than being washed around by external influences. The only thing we can truly control is our response to external influences and our perception therein.
During Venus in Scorpio season, we will naturally begin to notice our obsessive tendencies, our escapisms, our fears and our control behavior. She gives us the fire of mars to just be gutsy AF about being all that we are and owning our imperfections. We are spiritual beings having a human experience after all… We didn’t come here to ascend human conditioning, we came to master it, to own it, to find the kink in the darker aspects of consciousness, to play, to have fun, and to wholeheartedly intimate with life itself. Emotional maturity is being in mastery, not in denial of one’s feelings.
When Venus is in the constellation of Scorpio her expression is intense and intimate. Go deep or go home is her motto!! When she is transiting the constellation of Scorp we are invited to claim our sexual sovereignty, sensuality, our depth, our shadows, our inherited beliefs around relationships, the occult, sex, magick, alchemy, transformation & death. Part of this process is seeing the things we would prefer to hide from the public eye, from our beloved or potential partners & from ourselves… Insert lots of ‘fuckkkkk I just said/did/thought that’ moments! Karmic and ancestral relationship patterning is coming to the light so we can level up & love the shit out of ourselves and others on a whole new level! Shadows and light baby, no ones perfect, its time to love the whole picture, not just the pretty bits.
Shadow work is key with Venus in Scorp. By feeling the feelings as they come up, without deeming them as right or wrong, good or bad. They are just energy in motion, a response to a perception or an external influence. This is what this post is allll about, perception, external influences, preconditioning & freedom through awareness. Venus in Scorpio season is where we step into psychic sovereignty on a whole new level. We learn to drive the ship through the storms, rather than being washed around by the waves of external influences. The only thing we can truly control is our response to external influences and our perception therein.
During Venus in Scorpio season, we will naturally begin to notice our obsessive tendencies, our escapisms, our fears and our control behavior. She gives us the fire of mars to just be gutsy AF about being all that we are and owning our imperfections. Paired with the transformation & death that Pluto brings to alchemise IN the underworld of ourselves.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience after all… We didn’t come here to ascend human conditioning, we came to master it, to own it, to find the kink in the darker aspects of consciousness, to play, to have fun, and to wholeheartedly intimate with life itself. Emotional maturity is being in mastery, not in denial of one’s feelings. We can be committed to our super humanness while simultaneously loving the shit out of our shadows. Thats the whole point. Our shadows are not to be treated as a problem to solve. How much can you love what you perceive to be unlovable? Venus is sitting with Pluto in the underworld, Hades himself saying “how much will you choose to love this girlfriend?’
Grab your journal & let’s have a look at what is hidden under the surface::
journal prompts for freedom of sexual expression and autonomy
What are your guilty pleasures?
What are you secretly yearning for but are too afraid to admit out loud?
Our perceptions about sex and intimacy are being re-evaluated. We are being asked to look at the narrative beneath the voice of the good girl/boy/person, the logical mind, and the mental gibberish. Take a moment to free write, no filter!
What is hidden beneath ‘social correctness’ when it comes to sex, love, and intimacy? What do YOU believe about sex, love, and intimacy?
If you were not worried about hurting/offending/upsetting/disappointing another person’s feeling what would you choose? What do you really want?
Scorpio shows us our patterning. We have all been taught ways of relating in relationships that are co-dependent/avoidant and unhealthy. Many family units consist of one person/caregiver who is completely selfless and another whose needs and moods are the central focus of the whole family. There is power in identifying where we may be repeating old patterns or default patterns of reactivity.
Perhaps you have a learned behavior of cutting and running as soon as you slightly catch a whiff of rejection? Perhaps you know you’re settling for abusive toxic behavior but you’re frozen with the fear of abandonment? OR, more commonly, social ideals that equate being in a relationship with success are really glitching you out and creating comparison paralysis.
What is comparison paralysis? It’s when we compare ourselves to the lives of other people and hate on ourselves, retreat, go into creative contraction and stop doing the thing we love based on the narrative we are telling ourselves about other people’s lives. My friends, no one’s lives look like they do on socials. Guarantee’s the couple at the park with the Colgate smile and the chunky sexy ute/truck are going through their own version of shit soup. The truth is we don’t know that what our brains are telling us about their lives is true (that’s our perception). And there’s a good chance that they are either working through it or indulging in 500 ways to shove down the guilty pleasures they dare not speak about. Too shit scared to bring it to light coz it doesn’t fit the poster image of what we are supposed to want, desire, look like and feel like when we are big kids.
The habit of measuring our sense of self, based on external images that look like success, is a self-destructive pattern that is calling your attention. The ripple effect is to then shut down and go into contraction professionally, creatively, and sexually because our lives don’t look like other people!!! We are really just robbing ourselves and our relationships of their unique and true gifts. All of this is based on societal/familial conditioning:: AKA someone else’s plan for you.
It doesn’t have to be a real thing, that’s what I”m here for to help you pop some of those pockets of consciousness that keep you choosing people who dull your shine, or choosing the daily ‘hate on self scroll’. Ready for your upgrade bebeee? Keep reading …
My friend you are unique, you have a unique set of digits in your dna, your consciousness, your astrology, your genetic blueprint. No one can tell you what your desires SHOULD be, this is where venus in Scorpio comes in to assist us on our evolutionary journey. She comes to illuminate what’s hidden and bring it to light. So let’s get kinky about it, explore some edges of our consciousness, and find the tools to do that in the bedroom with our beloved, or in the bedroom with ourselves.
How is your sexual self-care practice? Even if you are partnered a daily sexual self-care practice is so important. It doesn’t mean orgasming every day, it means including your lady landscape and your sexual empowerment in your daily rituals. You are responsible for being turned on, no one else (that’s a whole other workshop). Are you owning your pleasure and stirring the cauldron of arousal in the secret place where it’s just you and consciousness itself? Are you having a romance with your own sexuality when no one else is around?
I know, lots of thought-provoking questions right? That’s Venus in Scorpio, she loves to upset the apple cart. She comes to challenge Eve to eat the whole goddam apple in the garden of Eden. To eat from the tree of knowledge so we can navigate our way out of this slumber of fuckwittery we have found ourselves in. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for Eve, at least she had the guts to take a bite out of the apple! She knew (cos she’s intuitive AF, she’s a woman) that she needed that knowledge, her womb was pulsing with creation itself guiding her towards her unlimited self.
Above below within, Eve could feel the call to remember, through the pulse of her pussy and her pleasure, to rebirth through her womb. She wasn’t weak, she was a sacred rebel!
Eve knew that the tree of life is where it’s at, the knowledge of the entire universe, the key to her freedom & the freedom of the children of earth too!!! Her intuition and her sexual power allured her, not her sin.
Did you know that the word sin means ‘separation from God’? Is it true that we can be separated from God? Or separated from Goddess? Beautiful Eve took a bite of the apple and the sons and daughters of earth had the chance to no longer live in sin (separation) because they had the knowledge to reactive their infinite sovereignty and potential. If it wasn’t for Lilith (the first mother depicted as the snake in the garden) we would all be asleep to the knowledge separation from Creator is a man-made idea, created to disempower and control the masses!!! Rely on a god outside of yourself and do everything you can to get browny points or you will live in eternal separation???!!! Ummm really? Was it the serpent that deceived her, I’m pretty sure she saved her… And this is where the Daughters and Sons of Lilith rise and claim the gifts of our foremothers.
The truth is that it is not possible to be separate from consciousness (god/dess) unless we are preoccupied with our mind and ruled by our emotions. When rules and fear and dominion have more of a say on our lives than our ability to walk in self-mastery then we are living in a state of separation from source energy, source energy has not separated from us, it’s not possible. When we are in fear and contraction in our relationships, we literally forget that we are all aspects of the god/dess consciousness. The only thing that is creating separation between us/goddess/or the other, is the thought stream and the beliefs that bind us from the Great Love of the Universe.
So here we are Venus in Scorpio, through the womb and the power of the pussy, alchemizing all that no longer serves, taking back our sovereignty giving him back his/story and collectively rewriting our new story.
The matrix is falling. The patriarchy’s time is up. The sons and daughters of Lilith are standing tall like a tree, waking up inside of this co-dependant matrix woven through the mind of Julius Cesar and the men & women who served him. They created empires, and now the empire is falling. And so are the relationships that live in a state of fear, you against me, us against them. We are one, we are in this together whether we like it or not. And Lady Venus in Scorpio is revealing the shit show right now. Inviting us to walk in union with Divine Love, having compassion, and giving ourselves permission to unravel toxic relationship patterns that are not aligned with unity consciousness.
:: Venus In the Underworld ::
23rd of October Venus enters Scorp
She sits with Hades in the underworld of herself, making conscious the unconscious patterns and doing the shadow work. <<::Preparing for rebirth through the path of surrender::>> This is the ‘death phase’ of the birth, life, death and rebirth cycle.
Venus begins her Evening Star phase:: Wise Grandmother Goddess Self
December 01 2022 to August 18th 2023
More on Venus’s Evening Star Journey in my next post. Until then, if you need support or wish to know how Venus in Scorpio is affecting you personally, book a sovereignty session here
I’m here to support you to thrive as we priestess the new paradigm into being. Sovereignty sessions assist in breaking co-dependant & toxic relationship patterns. Amazing, healthy relationships are our birthright, its my job to help you shift your internal matrix so you can stand strong in the world and be wholeheartedly YOU in your relationships.
Everything I teach has been handed to me through mentors in verbal traditions and channeled from my ancestors as they have visited me. I have over 26 years of experience as a channel & healer, 500 hrs yoga teacher training, red tent facilitation, Tarot, Relationship Mentoring, the creatress of the dream weavers astrology calendar, and the sovereign woman temple journey. Book a session with me here to find out if we are a fit to work together, I have 2 openings for temple mentorship in November xx
So much love xx
Jadee Boom Stix
The sovereign woman temple is a deep dive into the ancient feminine arts, earth-based spirituality practices, womb alchemy, the study of the celestial bodies, consciousness upgrades, sexual sovereignty, and co-dependency unravel. As well as many other wonderful and magical witchy things xx
Sexy Structures That Support Us To Thrive
New year blessings to your and yours glorious Queen!!!
I hope this post find you well after the festive season & your heart is lifted in hope for a year filled with magic & soul nourishment.
The numerology of 2022 offers us a giant UPLEVELL in the realms of relationships. 2/2/22 marks the portal point of the Divine Mothers’ return. After a looooonnnngggg age of HER having a back seat in social structures, this is the year that she takes her seat on her proverbial throne right next to her beloved. That's right ladies, it’s our time to shine!!!!!!!!
Relationships are the valcro of community & the mothers love is the fire that burns right at the centre of all things, there is no birth without her. So as we go through this giant societal rebirth, we gather together around the sacred woman fire and we birth a new world into being in a way that is inclusive of the sacred feminine. With balanced masculine and feminine this time.
The predominant association with MOTHER is often selflessness, sacrifice, she who puts herself last, the martyr who lays down her all and to goes without in order to be of service to her children, her family, her church, her passion projects etc. But that is just one reflection of the Mothers Love. THE MOTHER ARCHETYPE IS SEXY AS FUCK!!!! Which means she doesn’t need to go without in order to create a thriving community and family anymore.
SHE is a powerhouse, there is zero creation without her, she is the entire cycle of life, she is empowered in this knowing. When she knows her power and her value in the community, she takes her seat in the center of the universe & as a result EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING around her thrives.
So what are these sexy structures I am talking about?
Feminine aligned structures, the spiral of life itself expressing itself through our hearts, our wombs, our pussy's pulse for more, our fire, our water, our air of inspiration to take action on the ideas that create new realities.
First, we must unplug from this current matrix! Realigning ourselves with systems and structures that are sustainable for feminine-bodied humans.
The matrix (system) that is currently falling is a social system that leads to nervous system burnout, relationship stress, isolation & mental pressure. It is fed by the fear of survival & a long list of expectations that need to be fulfilled in order to be successful and earn our golden egg.
This year I invite you to tap into a whole new web, to tap into Source Code of Divine Mother for your provision. To the matrix of the womb of creation and into your unique feminine rhythms, to the true power of attractiveness from knowing, owning & anchoring into your value as an individual and as woman.
A truth that is available in this universe, if you wish to claim it for yourself is this: we can have what we want, and we can create a life of magic for ourselves in a whole new way. Without the burnout, the type A over achieving, and without the need to keep up with the Jones's. Fuck that mate, nobody got time for that anymore….
The Goddess is Home my Witchezzzzzz all we gotta do is align with her!!!!
You have a unique thread in your hand, Divine Woman your gifts, visions, dreams & ideas are meant to be birthed so together we can create a new & sustainable future for our children and their children’s children.
To support you to take the next step Karla Pizzica and I created a FREE WORKSHOP AND SISTERHOOD CIRCLE!!!
We recorded it, and here it is to power up your 2022!!! In this workshop & circle we dive into 'feminine aligned business' & share our experiences 'unplugging from the matrix'. We both have over 10 years of experience being self-employed as well as mentoring women to thrive in business and relationships. You will hear on the spot laser coaching for our sisters in the sister mind sessions (Karla’s beautiful offering in the Sacred Strategy Studio)'. Karla and I are both passionate about supporting you to thrive, with sexy structures, that support your life/work/love balance.
Karla is my dear dear friend and biz mentor, she helps women to create the brand that truly represents them, to tap into their message... You gotta check out the websites and branding she creates, holy wowzers, talk about styllllleeeeee... I’m so excited to introduce her to you! She has offered a very generous bonus, so listen to the end to hear about that! And click on the podcast details to access bonus’s from both of us.
Heres the podcast lovers!!!
CONNECT WITH KARLA HERE (BONUS BELOW, GET IN!!)
IG:: @karlapizzica
FB GROUP:: @sacredwomensbusiness
W:: www.karlapizzica.com
YOUR BONUS'S::
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This will help you create a fully aligned & embodied brand & get super clear on who you are, why you do what you do, who you would like to call in and your visual branding.
It's normally $149 (and will increase to $497 next year with even more magickal content) - but I'm offering it to you for only $75 AUD until Christmas Day (after that you'll be eligible for a discount on the new and improved version).
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We believe that the transmissions from this replay have a powerful ripple effect.
