Healing after a narcissistic relationship
Healing after a toxic/narcissistic relationship ends is HARD. It is a choice & it takes effort to commit to ourselves, to take back authority over our mind, opinions, beliefs and most of all, our value and worth.
It takes many moon cycles to bring heart coherance, will coherance, womb coherance and mind coherence back online. You’ve just experienced extreme confusion and there’s a good chance you’re scrambled with cognitive dissonance and brain fog.
I’m here to remind you that it’s temporary. You can and you will heal starting with acknowledging your experience. I hope the words in this post are calm for your wounds. That it feels like your sitting down and having a cuppa with a friend who also recognises unhealthy relationships has been through it, found the courage to say no to it and then over time risen out the sea of emotional turbulence into the calm ocean of a balanced life.
Before we get into the real nitty gritty I think it’s important to flag that the term ‘narcissism’ is an actual personality disorder. The term is being highly overused at the moment, which indicates that there are a lot hurting people who are playing out some extremely toxic behaviour when the rubber hits the road and things get real in relationships.
Just to be clear, in this post I am talking about narcissistic TRAITS and toxic relating/reactive behavioural patterns that can play out when we are in an unhealthy dynamic with another individual. The goal here is to acknowledge that you have said NO for a very good reason. I hope that by identifying the patterns in this post it brings ease to some of the confusion and pain you may be experiencing. I hope these words acknowledge your experience and make the others actions less about you and more about the behaviours you are bravely saying no to. This way you can turn within and do the big work on yourself, changing the patterns that keep looping you back into old cycles and reprogramming your world so you can wake up inside of the life you dream of, that you are choosing with this step you are taking today, to educate and say yes to yourself over anothers illness or confusion.
When we are healing from dysfunction it's important to recognise that people with personality disorders have a serious condition, their brain works differently and they need professional help. We are not here to dish out the same hate and shame they dish out when in an uncontrollable rage. Their behaviour is unacceptable, their heart is held in care. There are many many reasons for dysfunctional/toxic relationship patterns between people. Some of our nearest and dearest may be struggling with neurospiceyness which can also have a drop down menu of reactive and toxic behavioural patterns. Even those of us who identify as empaths and hypersensitives can fall into unhealthy patterns of reactivity and lqck of emotional regulation. Addictions, food and environmental toxins, so many factors can trigger people into unhealthy and dysfunctional coping mechanisms within relationships. Many want to do better, but simply don’t have the awareness or the tools to do better, to educate themselves and to communicate in ways that are healthy rather than unhealthy.
A person with a personality disorder has no true sense of self. This is why they are co dependant and cannot be without a partner, their chosen person, often referred to as their 'supply'. I’m not saying all co dependancy comes from personality disorders, I’m saying people with personality disorders have no sense of self without another. Because of their factured or damaged sense of self they study the person they believe they love and follow a strategy to get their needs met.
The strategy is tried and true and its literally ‘rince and repeat’ with each person they engage with. Until they wake up and get help. It isnt going to magically change with the next (more compatible) person, this is a story they tell themselves to belittle, discard and undermine the others value and worth.
The pattern:
By indentifying the pattern we can see it for what it is and recognise where we are at on the wheel of abuse.
◇ Love bombing
◇ Future fake and dream weave 'your my one'
◇ Pulling on your empathy and sharing their life story. Your the on ethat they trust, their confidante, their listening ear, its so healing to have someone who finally believes in them. Victim stories about their past partners and how much they broke them. Victim stories about their financial ruin and why they need a team player to build the future with. Victim stories regarding primary care giver and family trauma (which often is the core injury they received at 18 months old that fractured their sense of self) Ask yourself if they are in therapy taking responsibility for this, or are they projecting their wounding and leaving a trail of damage behind them?
◇ The wheels start falling off the bus when you have needs. Perhaps you've spoken up about the way you would like to be treated? Or you would like some more time with them (often they are busy winning the approval and admiration of strangers and ignoring their family). Maybe it’s requesting that they don’t speak to you in a certain way because you value heart felt softness when bringing up the hard stuff. Our requests for our needs and desires (aka boundaries) are often taken personally, no matter how much kindness and grace is put into bringing up the hard conversation they feel attacked. This is because of the fractured sense of self reacting and raging out.
◇ Communication drama::
• gaslighting (denial of what has been spoken and agreed upon)
• blameshifting (if you didnt ask for your needs this wouldnt be happening, sometimes it will be honing in on the way you said it)
• scapegoating (it's their trauma making them react, it wasn't them it was something that happened in 1488)
• threatening to leave or publically shame.
◇ Discard phase. When the relationship inevitably ends we enter the very painful phase of discard. This happens because they feel exposed, they know their strategies are not working, you have clued on to the drop down menu of toxic relating patterns and unfortunately you are no longer of value to them. The projection they have of you and how you fit into their world/dream is no longer of value, you had a role to play and your no longer playing it. This is the stage where many anxious avoidants and anxious attachment injuries get triggered and the cycle begins again. Until we choose to stand in our Yes to ourselves and No to being used and treated badly. It hurts! The truth is we have been used. We allowed ourselves to be a player in anothers fantasy and did their bidding, we consented. This is where we put on our big girl/boy pants and we soothe the child within who needs to know they are loved, and we are not abandoning them for love. This is where we do the BIG work of healing our attachment injuries, taking stock of our belief matrix, pull in our support team and we fucking level UPPPP!
Comprehend this, really take it in: When we stand strong and refuse to play into the communication drama, the individual with the dysfunctional pattern in tact will often respond with blind uncontrollable rage. This is because the strategy isn't working. We have outgrown the drama cycle and as soon as they realise their strategies won’t work they take action of the back up plan they’ve been grooming in the background all along. They have already found others to drag into the delusions of grandure or the pity party. They then rince and repeat falling in love with the next person, obsessing and eventually discarding.
It can take years and years to rewire our brains after this kind of manipulation so if you are on the merry go round of constant breakup - discard - stonewall - hoover - love bomb - future fake (with stories about how much they have realised they need to work on and change and oh yeah, therapy, they are all of a sudden going to therapy). Most people end up leaving because things get so extreme that they cannot take it anymore. We end up having to put our life jacket on, we say no to them because we are saying yes to ourselves. And that’s a good thing. It takes enormous effort to break the emotional addictions that have been created within the toxic dynamic. The void is enormous. Its fucking hard. But you can do this!
When we leave there is a loss of self for both parties. They have a loss of self and are filled with terror that they will be publicly exposed for their behaviour. At this stage they bring in their back up team, aka 'flying monkeys' to stand by them & they publicly shame gossip and lie about you making YOU out to be the villian. Their victim story and lies are convincing and here begins the smeer campaign, making YOU wrong for choosing something healthier. All the while raging out with threats and accusations about things you have done to them (when in reality they are pointing the finger 👉 at you because they have no sense of self)
Once they have done all of this and there is no turning back they will flip the bird, hook up and play the game all over again.
It is soooooo confusing and it takes time for us to truly own our choice to say no.
Often it feels we have been abandoned/disgarded but beautiful soul, you have not been discarded, you have been courageous. Someone reacting to you asking for the way you would like to be treated is not your burnden to carry. Healthy relating is hearing the other person when they let you know what they need. It’s taking the time to come back to them, responding with clarity about wether we can meet them in their spoken needs or not. Learning how to do things better takes skill and focus, it doesn’t just fall off a tree. No doubt the worst of you came out in this relationship and you are having a gag reflex when you reflect back. That’s good, this is the turning point, its time for education, healing, radical self responsibility, taking stock of your choices and choosing something else.
You have wised up to the ways that unhealthy people behave. Passive aggression/with holding and finger pointing are included in this. btw.
We are all learning how to relate better. Learning how to truly communicate in a way that is inclusive of hearing the other. If we are in a battle to be herd blaming the other for not listening there’s a good chance we are also not hearing the other. Often we are too busy holding onto some strong points of view, or judgements about the others choices, needs and desires. We can begin to break these patterns when we come into relating with a will to comprehend the others heart. When we have been in abusive manipulative and toxic patters for a long time we desperately need the time to comprehend our own hearts, to nurture our own needs, to calm our nervous system and recalibrate. When we know what we stand for we are then able to come to relations with clarity, letting others know where we can and are willing to meet them or not.
By default we have been raised in a society that is codependent and survival driven. This post is not to shame anyone for what they didn't know they were doing. This post is to encourage you that you woke up inside of something very painful for both parties and you made a choice. You said yes to you.
Tend to your wounds, take the time you need, but please change the story. You are not being rejected. They are moving on because you stood up for you. You chose this because your baddass, because you stood in your power, had your own back and you chose to say no to something that felt wrong in your gut. Thats why you’re not their chosen supply anymore, because they can't play their game with you.
You’re not broken, you’re healing. You’re not a problem to solve, Your a mystery to behold.
You will heal. Keep going.
